Oh My Gosh... I'm a LACTIVIST!

Hi, my name is Jessica and I'm a lactivist. To everyone else this has probably been obvious for a long time but this is the first time I'm admitting this fact in a public setting. I'm not sure how it happened really. In my head it was a sudden shift that came out of nowhere and has caught me by surprise. Is that my voice? Is that MY voice? I ask when I hear myself speaking about breastfeeding... again. One day I was a normal, level-headed, regular person and then the next I was talking about breastfeeding all the time, crazy-advocate and a *gasp* real lactivist. There was a time when I read literature on breastfeeding and responded with small nods and "Hm, that's interesting" but now I'm pounding the table yelling "Preach it sistah!" I've even introduced myself as "Hi, I'm Jessica, The Leaky B@@b."


No, seriously, I have.


What the...? How did that happen?


*Freak out*


In reality the shift was probably gradual. Sure, there were some monumental, no-turning-back moments such as when I decided I wanted have my babies at home or when I became a student midwife, but since nobody would ever have described me as level-headed in the first place, maybe I wasn't that far off from the beginning. The funny thing is, when it comes to feeding babies, I actually think I'm more level-headed now than I ever was.


How do I know I'm a lactivist? Well, there are some tell-tale signs that I can no longer deny in myself. So I now bring you:

You might be a lactivist if...

• You read every article on breastfeeding you come across. Even if you already know everything it says. Maybe even if you've read it before. You can't help it, you have to read them and your significant other is likely going to get an earful about what you read regardless if the tone of the article was positive or negative.
• You don't flinch, blush or feel even a little awkward with words like "breast," "boobs," "nipple," "areola," "bra," etc. Around anyone, ever. You may not even care where you say them. It is common to say them often.
• You have to resist the urge to applaud a woman breastfeeding in public. Or smile broadly at her while staring. Or hug her. Or point her out to, oh, everyone. Or stalk her, just a little.
  
• Little gets you hotter than another story in the news about a woman and her baby being asked to leave an establishment while breastfeeding or invited to breastfeed in the bathroom. Seriously, the bathroom? It's been said before but you'll say it again; would YOU want to eat in the bathroom? Didn't think so. What is wrong with people having an issue with a baby eating? You will go on and on and on about this to anyone willing to listen and sometimes, even those that aren't.
  
• Talking with someone that has just had a baby you don't hesitate to ask "how's breastfeeding going?" You don't actually know if they are breastfeeding but you assume they are. And if things aren't going well you're ready to spring into action to help. Your baby gift is a pair of the softest reusable breast pads, a tube of lanolin, a water bottle and a boppy.
• The idea of someone touching your breast or you touching someone else's breast to assist with breastfeeding a newborn is like, so whatever. Since that's what b@@bs are for, it's no big deal any more. You might even forget that it still is a big deal for others and inadvertently make new moms uncomfortable. Got to work on that.
• You have downloaded and printed or purchased "Thank you for breastfeeding in public" cards to hand out to breastfeeding moms you spot while out and about. And you use them too. There are some in your purse, your glove box, your diaper bag, the back pocket of your jeans, and your kids backpack. You consider it a good day if you got to hand out a few at the mall.
• There are at least 2 Facebook groups you follow about breastfeeding and Twitter too. Maybe even a forum or two. You check often and share lots of links and stories. Reading the stories others post there is addicting and before you know it you've spent hours reading about breastfeeding. All for the cause, all for the cause.
• You get home from a trip to the zoo and post on a FaceBook wall how many women you saw NIP while you were out. Probably on one of those pages but maybe even your own private Facebook. This doesn't seem strange to you at all, after all, how else are we going to normalize breastfeeding? Seeing mothers NIP should be celebrated, you're just doing your part. Nothing crazy about that!
  
• You have taken pictures of yourself breastfeeding. Or had your partner or older child snap a few for you. It's real serious if you've had a breastfeeding sitting with a professional photographer. Is it framed and on your wall? Is there a piece of breastfeeding art, photograph or other, that isn't of you? Why not, right? It's beautiful and natural. In fact, you probably have more pictures of you breastfeeding, most likely of just your chest, arm and little one, than of you actually looking at the camera or doing any thing else.
  
• You have shared pictures of yourself breastfeeding online. On those groups or forums. Or your own blog. Even better if it's your profile image on a social networking site or discussion board. You're a proud breastfeeder! Breastfeeding is not obscene Facebook! You probably even "liked" the Facebook page that says that.
• You know what the World Breastfeeding Symbol is and you have used it either online or in real life. Do you have a bag or shirt with it? Does your baby? A car decal? Or is it part of your profile pic? Yeah? You've got it bad baby. If you ever happen to see the symbol in a business you'll probably hug the shop owner.
• You know when World Breastfeeding Week is and you get a little giddy when it rolls around every year. Events are planned, give-aways are entered, and lactation cookies are baked. You know what organization is doing what, where and when and you plan on being there. That is, if you didn't organize it yourself. You probably even got a special shirt for the occasion. Maybe even learned a dance.
• You don't like Nestle and avoid buying Nestle products. Even if your favorite candy is Butterfinger. The fact that the BlogHer conference was sponsored by Nestle really bothered you and you even asked your favorite blogger how they could participate. When Halloween rolls around you debate digging through the kid's loot to find the Nestle products and throw them away. Except for the Butterfingers, you eat those rationalizing that at least you didn't pay for them.
• Covering for breastfeeding to you means making sure your belly, back and sides are covered but you don't worry about who may catch a brief glimpse of a little b@@b. In fact, you have mixed feelings about breastfeeding covers. Whatever helps a woman feed her baby is great but should we be hiding breastfeeding? It's complicated and you're just happy for breastfeeding in public at all. Personally, you just don't want your flab showing.
• Breastfeeding past a year is normal, passed 2 common and over 3 no biggie. It's the people that have a problem with it that are weird. You know that the global average age for weaning is age 4 so people just need to get over themselves since breastmilk doesn't suddenly turn to water after a certain age. It's not like there is an expiration date on breastfeeding, sheesh.
• The Kelly Mom, Best for Babes, Dr. Jack Newman, La Leche League, and other breastfeeding websites are bookmarked on your computer. You also have a considerable breastfeeding library which you loan out often. In fact, you bought several copies of your favorite breastfeeding book to have on hand to give to new moms. You do so with excitement and a list of those websites and don't even notice your partner throwing a breastfeeding-cover-apron-thingy over his head while you jabber on excitedly. When you do notice you give him a "Thank you for NIP" card.
  
• You can name at least 3 celebrities that breastfed. You might even know how many kids and how long they breastfed. But you're not sure what movies or TV shows they are from and maybe have never even seen them in anything or know why they are even celebrities at all.
• Science comes out with new information that breastfeeding has "new" health benefits for mom and/or baby and you say "duh." The information is good to know, you're glad they've done research but it just seems kind of obvious that feeding as nature intended would be a good thing, right?
• You meet someone for the first time in a non-breastfeeding related environment and you somehow are talking about breastfeeding within 20 minutes. You know if they were breastfed, if they did or intend to breastfeed, how long, what they've read, if they are aware of your favorite breastfeeding resources, etc. Later you may not remember their name but you'll be able to confidently greet them with "You breastfed your youngest for 16 months, of course I remember you!" This applies to men too.
  
• You think maybe Gisele was on to something. Even if you don't exactly agree with what she said or that it could even happen you can totally understand it and even secretly wish it was possible. You're cautious about saying that anywhere but can't help wonder "what if...?"
• The phrases "if breastfeeding offends you put a blanket over your head" and "if breastfeeding is sexual then a bottle is a dildo" make you laugh and you really, really want to share them somewhere. You probably have too. And you know more and have come up with a few of your own. They are what go through your head when having conversations with anti-breastfeeding types. Sometimes they even come flying out of your mouth.
  
• Your children think feeding babies with bottles is weird. In their minds the only reason to do so is because something is wrong or the mother is unavailable and then it would be expressed breastmilk. They may not even know what formula is.
• It is strange that you haven't typed or said "breastfeeding" in one full day. Woah, how did that happen? You must have been sick.
• Out on a date your partner asks if you could talk about something other than breastfeeding for a little bit. Whether you were talking about you breastfeeding, someone else breastfeeding, breastfeeding in the news, or something else, you didn't even realize you were until he asked to change the subject. It just seemed... normal.
• You want to replace the slogan "breast is best" with "breast is normal." You've thought long and hard about this and you're ready to change the world. Breastfeeding is normal!
  
• After reading an online article about breastfeeding in public harassment incidents, you read through the comments and respond to every uneducated reply posted. You only walk away after you realize your blood pressure is through the roof. And in search of some chocolate.

Recognize yourself at all in any of these? Know anyone that fits these? I bet you could add some too, share yours in the comments here so I know I'm not alone.

Ladies and gentlemen, Hi, I'm Jessica, The Leaky B@@b and I'm a lactivist.

Now... I need some chocolate. Or maybe some baby kisses. Or both.

Perspectives: Not from personal experience or anything...

This post is a part of The Leaky B@@b blog carnival "Perspectives: Breastfeeding from Every Angle" for World Breastfeeding Week 2010.

Me feeding Smunchie at a working ranch during a field trip.

I've wanted to share some giggle-worth perspectives on breastfeeding but for the life of me I can't find my funny bone lately. Well, I have, it's been in my head. I'm constantly cracking myself up, unfortunately all anyone hears of that humor is me laughing at myself because I can't get it from out of my head onto the computer screen. Which is fabulous. I walk around and giggle from time to time because I mentally write a line or develop a concept that I find funny. A frazzled looking woman walking around laughing to herself, what's so odd about that? Where I live, you see it all the time, particularly near that one part of town. Fortunately I'm regularly upstaged by my children so I think the crazy lady laughing and mumbling to herself goes mostly unnoticed.

To shut-up the voice in my head telling me funny stories and to make myself seem at least a little less crazy, I wrote down some of these under-developed perspectives. I feel I need to be clear, none of these are things I know personally, these aren't my personal perspectives and experiences here. No, I'm sure I can't relate to these perspectives at all. Ever. In all the years nursing 5 kids. Nope. Ok, maybe a little...

Perspective #1: The Cheap Lazy Mother
Ladies and gentlemen I'm a cheap, lazy mother! No, not that way, get your mind out of the gutter. Don't you love how by saying that your mind totally goes in the gutter? Ah, the delights of cheap humor. But it is true, I am a cheap, lazy mother. Yeah sure, breast is best... ok, normal, we'll go with normal, since I've had a thing or two to say about getting rid of that terminology. Human breastmilk is normal feeding for human babies. It is also cheap. And easily available, as long as everything is working normally. I love that. It can be kind of difficult sometimes for the first few weeks maybe but considering you've either pushed the equivalent of a human Smart Car out of your vagina or had your belly opened up and pulled apart to remove the human Smart Car, you understandably have some laying around to do anyway. May as well get the cheap feeding machines up and running while you lay there. A few weeks further down the road and you'll be well into not just the cheap part but the "OH-MY-GAH-WHY-CAN'T-EVERYONE-IN-MY-FAMILY-EAT-THIS-WAY?" mode. Particularly if you've been down this road before and those former happy b@@bie customers are now little (or big) people that constantly say any variation of "I'm hungry" or "What's for dinner?" And then complain about the options. (Consequently, our bilingual home is proof that you do not have to speak a language well to understand "I'm hungry." "I'm hungry" whined in any language sounds just as annoying as it does in English. Even when that other language is French.) But when you have a regular b@@b customer it is over and done with just a lift of your shirt and best of all, no complaints. Those little buggers love it every time! The original fast food and infinitely better for your customers, b@@bie juice is ready and available to customized perfection whenever, where ever and however. Nothing can make that claim no matter how it is packaged and marketed. (HA! Take THAT Nestle!) When 4pm rolls around in my house and I realize I never threw "something" in the slow cooker and I have to actually figure out "something" to cook, I have found myself wishing I could just park my butt on the couch and feed my family without having to get up. It's not gross or disgusting. It's lazy and cheap but still better than McDonald's. And just because I've wanted to do that doesn't mean I have.

The big girls have turned me down every time, dang it.


Perspective #2: The Vain Mom
I've heard women say they didn't want to breastfeed because it would ruin their breasts and make them sag. Aside from the fact that they are wrong about that and obviously haven't researched if that is true or not. And, it's not. Blame pregnancy, gravity and genetics, if your breasts are going to sag they are going to sag. Look around, there are plenty of older women who have never even had children that have their knockers knocking their knees. These women that don't breastfeed to spare their breast, I have to wonder what they are thinking. Breastfeeding is awesome! Burn 500 calories just by breastfeeding! That's like eating a whole giant slice of chocolate cake and it doesn't even count. HELLO! What in the world am I going to do when Smunchie weans? Plus, breastmilk b@@bs are firm but soft, full but natural, bouncy but expanded. They look great in a low top, in a t-shirt, and drop-dead stunning in the nude. Ruin my breasts with breastfeeding? Heck no! Breastfeeding did me a FAVOR!


Perspective #3: The Diaper
Now why should you give a crap what the diaper's perspective is on breastfeeding? Well, for starters, I get to use an obvious pun. Secondly, it's a valid perspective. Diapers deal with the other side of breastmilk and formula. (Score, another obvious pun!) Whether you're changing it, near it when it is being changed, washing it or taking the sausage links of plastic wrapped fecal packages to the trash can, there are no ifs, ands or butts (I am on an obvious pun ROLL!), breastmilk poop looks better, smells better and cleans up better than the formula variety. People, I've dealt with both and here is the cold hard truth (or should I saw the warm, soft, sort-a-sweet smelling truth?): breastmilk poop is way better than formula poop. Formula poop is nasty, stinky, ugly and just plain a load of sh*t no matter how you dispose of it. (And the puns just keep a-coming.) The color of breastmilk poop is even better, I love the color- check out my walls. And if you cloth diaper, breastmilk poop is like a mustard color lazy pass: you don't have to rinse, spray, dunk, swirl or flick just toss the soiled dipe in your wetbag and go on you merry way until the next time it is time to wash diapers. Wash. Hang any stained ones on the line in the sun. Voila, done. You don't have to flush all your time away (YES!) trying to scrape off sticky, stinky formula rejects. The diapers will thank you for breastfeeding, no matter what kind of diapers you use.

And when one of those diapers can't possibly hold the entire package of goo one day and you and baby are both wearing it smeared all over your white Easter dresses, you'll thank yourself for breastfeeding just because yellow mush smells like buttered popcorn or yogurt. You will not thank yourself for the white ensemble or the lack of a change of clothes for yourself. Not that I know this from personal experience or anything...

Perspective 4: The Sleep Deprived, Harried Mom
To get air to her nipples as they toughen up during the first few weeks of breastfeeding her new baby she took an old stained tee of her husbands and strategically cut 2, 2 inch holes in the chest. A needy and upset tiny infant hasn't slept more than 20 minutes at a time for the last 9 days. Her head itches constantly from needing a shower, her hair having been in the same ponytail since the shower she had after giving birth, now drooping and creating a halo of frizz around her head as though she stuck her finger in a light socket. Just as she was going to get in the shower for the first time in 5 days because that little person finally fell asleep and let her set him down, the doorbell rings. Knowing she looks like a meth addict but craving adult interaction, she stumbles to the door, hesitating for just a moment but far too exhausted to figure out why. They are going to leave and you'll not have spoken to another adult other than her husband for who-knows-how-long if you let this moment pass! Flinging open the door with a little too much fake enthusiasm she sees a twenty-something man in a brown work uniform holding a digital clipboard and a box. Somebody thought of her and sent a package! Suddenly she is 6 years old again, filled with glee, A PRESENT! Controlled by fatigue still, she gives a lopsided bounce and weak clap, croaking "yay!" The expression on the attractive (hey, she's tired, not dead) delivery man's face difficult to read, she reminds herself to not act so desperate and takes his clipboard to sign for the package. Avoiding her eyes, he awkwardly takes the clipboard back, pushing the cardboard package away from him. She takes it and reads the label, her best friend from out of state sent the hand made blanket they had planned together for the baby. Even more excited, she bounces up and down a little more and needing to share that excitment with someone she calls out to the UPS guy retreating from the house "Thank you so much! You don't know how much this means to me? What's your name? Joe? Joe, thank you so much, I could hug you!" Like a cornered puppy desperately looking for an escape, he nearly trips over a flower pot to bolt to his truck. He must have a lot of packages to deliver, he's in such a hurry. Inside she opens the box and admires the beautiful handmade blanket with her son's name stitched into it and reads the card 6 times, having to wipe the snot and tears from her face at least as many times. The clock is ticking though and she knows the angle sleeping in the co-sleeper will wake up soon and become the swirling vortex of screaming. Shower. Still smiling slightly thinking of the blanket and note from her friend, she walks with a little more energy now into the bathroom to shower. Walking past the closet door with it's full-length mirror, she sees someone. Oh, that's me. Wow I look... Oh. My. God. Smile gone. The hair, the eyes the red nose and blotchy skin, they are nothing.


Shirt.


Holes.


Nipples.


All the blood drains from her face. For just a minute she sees how it looked from the other side of the door. How she looked. And it totally makes sense.


For just a few seconds she feels a little sick.


Then she snorts, chortling at the image and the memory of the scene. She rushes to the shower to start the water and laugh without waking the baby. Silently giggling she tugs the ponytail free and looks in the mirror. With a bray, she's laughing hysterically, tucks her hands into her shirt and jabs her fingers through the nipple holes. She has to lean against the wall and hold her side when she suddenly realizes she's about to pee, she takes her seat and remains on the toilet until the uncontrollable laughing subsides and mops her the snot and tears from her face once again. Stripping down, she gets in the shower and shrugs, oh well, who cares, she's just happy she's actually getting to shower. And, as a bonus, she peed in private. When the baby wakes up she'll have to tell him all about it.


Other Perspectives
I have more. Oh yes, I talk to myself all the time and think up funny and even some not so funny perspective about breatsfeeding. And other subjects too, actually. Here are some I've written before.

Lactating b@@bies and I have a conversation. Well, I talk to them really. I let them know how I see things on a few issues. More on b@@bies, A-DD, here. I talk about b@@bs a lot.

This could be called "The Smart-ass vs. Polite response to Stupid Breastfeeding Comments Perspective"

For a colorful perspective on breastmilk, particularly on The Piano Man and Earth Baby's first poop experience you should check out "Holy Crap."

My friend Sue takes a look back at breastfeeding now that her youngest is weaned. Talking about the experience of giving her 4 children the "sweet nectar of life," Sue brings humor to even the most, um, interesting experiences she had breastfeeding.

Earth Baby has shared her personal perspective on breastfeeding already, but all of my girls have a very vocal opinions on breastfeeding.

My perspective of a 4 month old Smunchie nursing in the carrier.

My response to all the stupid comments I've never received

I have been very fortunate and have heard almost no stupid comments regarding breastfeeding directed at me. Either that or I'm oblivious - which is possible; sometimes hearing what you want to hear keeps the world a much nicer place. I always have the in-my-head response and then the real response where I censor myself. I guess that means I talk to myself. That's a good thing though; I wouldn't have any friends if I didn't. This is the only dumb exchange I really have had:

"You can't drink alcohol if you breastfeed." and "How do you have a life if you breastfeed?"
The snarky in my head response: "I'm not an IV and I like my life, thanks."

What I'd probably really say:"That's not true, you can drink in moderation when you are breastfeeding, like you should already only do when you have kids anyway. I already knew having a life would be redefined by having kids but I make it work. You can always make it work." *Confident smile*


That's it and it's really not that bad. But I know stupid comments about breastfeeding abound so today I asked all the "leakies" on our Facebook page to share some of the dumb things they've heard about breastfeeding. Suddenly, I wished I could have those idiotic statements directed at me just so I could reply. Below, my pretend response in all its snarky glory to all the dumb things people haven't said to me about breastfeeding. Thanks to my Facebook friends for the inspiration!


"Breastfeeding your baby is great but it should be done in private. It makes people uncomfortable, so could you do it in the bathroom?"
Snarky in my head response: "Stupidity spewing from your mouth like an overflowing toilet makes me uncomfortable, so could you do it in the bathroom?" *Sweet smile*

What I'd probably really say: "Oh, I'm sorry but I can't expose my baby to the disgusting germs of a bathroom while she eats. Do you know what people DO in the bathroom? Yikes, that's gross. By the way, did you know that the law here protects my baby's right to eat the normal way wherever my baby and I are permitted to be and it isn't considered indecent exposure to breastfeed? Yeah, so I'm not moving." *Sweet smile*


"You're going to kill your unborn baby nursing during pregnancy."
Snarky in my head response: "Where did you get your training in breastfeeding education again? You might want to ask for a refund because you totally got ripped off. I've heard people say that about sex too. Crazy, right?"

What I'd probably really say: "Awww, thanks for your concern." *Look touched, look touched... don't hit them*


"You have to drink milk to make milk."
Snarky in my head response: "Wow, that line is still going around? Don't you kind of wonder how cows do it then?"

What I'd probably really say: "Actually, that's a myth but thanks anyway." *Smile*


"After 6 months your milk spoils."
Snarky in my head response: "Is THAT why they take dairy cows out and shoot them when their calves are 6 months old?"

What I'd probably really say: "Interesting. That's not what The World Health Organization or The American Academy of Pediatrics say. I'll have to look into that, thanks." *Insert fake cheesy smile here*


"After 6 months/1 year/2 years your breastmilk is nothing more than water."
Snarky in my head response: "Do you think that's true for cows too? Boy, have we all been fooled by those dairy farmers and scientists! I'd love to see the research information you have on that. I've only read studies with dramatically different results but you should hurry and tell the World Health Organization, The American Academy of Pediatrics and millions of moms around the world that they've got it all wrong!"

What I'd probably really say: "Oh, that's not what I've heard, do you have some information on that I could read?" *With a smile, as always.*


"If you breastfeed her too long you'll turn her gay."
Snarky in my head response: "Wow. I don't even know what to say to this. I really don't. How STUPID do you have to be to even think this?"

What I'd probably really say: *Pause, long pause* "I'm really not sure how to respond to this on so many levels." *Thinly veiled disgust*


"If your newborn baby nurses too much it's a sign of breastfeeding syndrome."
Snarky in my head response: "Say what?"

What I'd probably really say:"Say what?! Uh... I've never heard of that before but I do know that newborn babies nurse often because their stomach is the size of a walnut." *Very, very confused look on my face.*


"Nursing a bigger baby must be hard work, why don't you give them a bottle to make it easier on yourself?"
Snarky in my head response: "Hard work is coming up with a response to that logic, breastfeeding is a lot easier than that."

What I'd probably really say:"Funny, but I breastfeed because I'm too lazy to make a bottle and wash it!" *too loud forced fake laugh here.*


"Breastfeeding is overrated."
Snarky in my head response: "Ooooh! I wonder who's profiting from me breastfeeding? Oh... wait... The formula companies sure do wish everyone believed that! Hey... do you work for Nestlé?"

What I'd probably really say: "Huh, that seems strange considering it's only natural to breastfeed. Who is overrating do you think?" *Lean in with feigned interest*


"Isn't that baby taking a bottle yet?"
Snarky in my head response: "Haven't you learned any manners yet? And why are you asking this exactly?"

What I'd probably really say: "Nope! Isn't that awesome?" *Proud mama smile*


"But my son won't be able to bond with his baby if you breastfeed!"
Snarky in my head response: "Oh, don't worry. I've promised he can change every diaper!"

What I'd probably really say: "Oh, don't worry. I've promised he can change every diaper!" *Vomit-worthy sugary smile*

Really, my MIL is great and a big supporter of breastfeeding so I'm not real sure but I really do think I'd say that just because I wouldn't be able to censor myself in time.


"I'm all for breastfeeding, but I wish you'd give your 3 month old a bottle of breast milk so we could babysit while you two go out."
Snarky in my head response: "What, so I could pump on my date with hubby? I don't think so!"

What I'd probably really say: "Oh, you're so sweet but we're ok for now. Would hate to screw up my supply and all that. You can watch the other kids though and we'll take her with us, thanks!" *Big hug*


"Breastmilk makes babies too fat."
Snarky in my head response: "I think you've gotten breastmilk confused with McDonalds."

What I'd probably really say: "Actually, did you know that breastfeeding greatly reduces a child's chance of obesity later in life? Everything they get from their mother's milk is the exact, perfect, customized concoction for what they personally need at that time, no such thing as getting too fat on it. Isn't that cool?!" *With a little too excited tone and slightly crazy look in my eyes*


"Breastmilk makes babies starve."
Snarky in my head response: "Makes you wonder how the human race survived, doesn't it?"

What I'd probably really say: "Baby is looking good to me but I'll be sure to keep an eye out for starvation." *Avoiding eye contact so I don't stick my tongue out at them*


"Breastfeeding is incest."
Snarky in my head response: "Would you say that to Jesus? I mean, really? Or how about Ghandi? Because they were breastfed. Obviously you've never breastfed because only an ignorant person would say something like that."

What I'd probably really say: "I don't want to be mean but since you already have been... are you just saying that so you feel better about not breastfeeding or for objectifying women and only seeing them for your personal sexual pleasure? Because breastfeeding isn't illegal and is recognized as the normal, best way to feed a baby but what you just said is sexual harassment." *I wouldn't say it but I'd be thinking it: FU*

I might say it.


"Breastfeeding an older baby/child is just spoiling them."
The snarky in my head response: "Yep, it sure is. That's why she's so sweet, confident, and full of love; because I'm spoiling her. Listening to you talk has totally spoiled my manners though: shut-up."

What I'd probably really say: "At least it's not candy and won't hurt them, haha!" *Silly, knowing smile*


"Your partner won't find you attractive any more if you breastfeed."
The snarky in my head response: "When did you get into my partner's head to know what they think about this? And if it is true, then my partner is an a-hole and not the person I thought they were and we have way bigger problems. He should have thought about that before getting me pregnant."

What I'd probably really say: "Really? Hmmmm, I'll have to ask him about that."

And an extra for if they said that to me now: "Yeah, that's why we have 5 kids and I've breastfed them all. Obviously he thinks I'm repulsive and never touches me, I just get pregnant when I wash our clothes together." *Rolling eyes*


"Are you STILL doing that?"
The snarky in my head response: "No, it's just a figment of your imagination. Ooooh look, flying monkeys!"

What I'd probably really say: "Looks like it!" *Laugh- idiot*


"Breastfeeding is dangerous because you can't tell if they are getting enough."
The snarky in my head response: "For some people, thinking is dangerous and opening their mouths even more so. You never know what will happen when stupid things come flying out."

What I'd probably really say: "You think so? I guess the real miracle is all those babies that survived on their mother's milk before there were bottles, huh? It can be tricky to tell but babies eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. You know what's really funny, there are actually people that think breastfed babies get too fat! I know, right!" *Real laughter at my own cleverness*


"It's unnatural to breastfeed a baby past 6 months."
The snarky in my head response: "Crap, somebody should have told my kids that!"

What I'd probably really say: "Is it? I wonder why that is?" *With wide-eyed innocence*


"Don't give your baby formula if you want to keep breastfeeding because the baby won't like your breastmilk any more."
The snarky in my head response: "Dude, have you tasted formula? Or even just smelled it? Not going to be a problem."

What I'd probably really say: "Thankfully I don't have to worry about that." *Polite. Just... polite*


"I don't breastfeed. I like to spend time with my other children and do not want them to feel left out."
The snarky in my head response: "So what other things will you not do for your new baby so you don't take time away from your other kids? Change diapers? Make a bottle?"

What I'd probably really say: "What a wonderful commitment you have to your children! I find breastfeeding to be a huge time saver personally. I just figure it out. Every new baby changes the family dynamic and it's important for us to let it happen. We all grow together caring for the new little one in our unique ways. Plus, my big girls love seeing me nurse their new sister and hearing the stories of when I breastfed them. It really has brought us closer together." *Genuine*


"If you don't want your b@@bs to hurt you should stop breastfeeding."
The snarky in my head response: "If I don't want my head to hurt I should stop being around you."

What I'd probably really say: "That's possible. But I've got a great LC working with me and we'll get things worked out. Thanks!" *Confident don't-mess-with-me smile*


"Breastfeeding just isn't worth the headache."
The snarky in my head response: "You know what's not worth the headache..."

What I'd probably really say: "It is to me. Formula feeding and bottles are an even bigger headache since I can't keep up with the dishes as it is." *With head nod.*


"Ewwww, that's gross!"
The snarky in my head response: "Poop is gross. Used condoms at the park are gross. McDonald's is gross. People saying stupid things is gross."

What I'd probably really say: "Seriously? Wow, you're rude AND uneducated. I can think of a lot of things that are gross and breastfeeding isn't one of them." *Pissed off attitude.*


""I would NEVER breastfeed, I don't wanna be close to my kid like that, plus my husband has to do SOMETHING!"
The snarky in my head response: "I wish I could be a fly on the wall when your kid is bigger and asks you one day if they were breastfed. How do you nicely say 'I didn't want to be that close to you' to your own kid?"

What I'd probably really say: "My husband does tons and I breastfeed. Actually, after the first few weeks, I have it easy compared to him" *Avoiding eye contact until the very end with a little smile.*


"You can't BF in the heat cause your milk will come out hot."
The snarky in my head response: "OMG, I never thought of that! Do you think I can make my milk boil inside me?"

What I'd probably really say: "Pretty sure it would come out around 98.6 degrees no matter the outside temp." *Stifling a laugh and probably not very well.*


"Babies don't like the taste of breastmilk."
The snarky in my head response: "Poor things, having to suffer like that. LOL!"

What I'd probably really say: "Have you ever tasted breastmilk? I have, and it's super sweet. My babies sure seem to like it." *Confused expression, very confused*


"Why don't you just give her a bottle?"
The snarky in my head response: "No. Why don't you just mind your own business."

What I'd probably really say: "Why go to all that trouble when I have everything ready right here?" *Raised eyebrows*


"If he's eating all the time it's because you're starving him and you don't make enough milk."
The snarky in my head response: "OR it's because he's hungry and is establishing a good supply of my milk since that is how this whole system works in the first place."

What I'd probably really say: "It's a supply-and-demand system and he totally gets that. He's not starving." *Do not make eye contact to avoid shooting them a birdie*


"You shouldn't breastfeed in front of children."
The snarky in my head response: "Blindfold the babies, blindfold the babies! They might see b@@bs are for breastfeeding and totally ruin their idea of women as sex objects!"

What I'd probably really say: "I don't understand, why would it be bad for them to see a baby breastfeed?" *Disbelief.*


"If you don't make him stop he never will" and "If you breastfeed past a year they won't know how to eat real food."
The snarky in my head response: "OMG, THAT'S why my brother wanted my mom to go with him to college!"

What I'd probably really say: "I really don't think that's going to be a problem" *I would laugh, I wouldn't be able to help myself*


"If you breastfeed you can't eat bananas/cabbage/broccoli/chocolate/caffeine/soda/beans/spicy food/cucumbers/tomatoes and who knows was else."
The snarky in my head response: "Great! I can eat french fries all day!"

What I'd probably really say: "Depends on the baby. Some babies can handle anything their mothers eat. Most babies in cultures that eat spicy foods and such do just fine. A few will have an adjustment period and it usually isn't a long time or that complicated." *Smile- I'm educating them, I'm educating them, I'm educating them...*


"Once they have teeth you have to wean, it will hurt too much to nurse."
The snarky in my head response: "This is such a load of shit and I'm tired of hearing it. Honestly, it's not that big of a deal people!"

What I'd probably really say: "Sometimes they may bite but I've taught my other kids not to so I think I'll be ok." *Smile and nod, just smile and nod.*


"Breastmilk is inferior to formula because formula has vitamins in it."
The snarky in my head response: "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. That's even what the formula companies say right on their labels as required because 'closer to breastmilk' totally means that."

What I'd probably really say: *Laugh* "Oh, you weren't joking? Because I thought you were joking. Oh, well, let's see, how do I explain this... breastmilk is what formula want to be. The vitamins and stuff added to formula is just an attempt to get closer to breastmilk. Sorry I laughed, it just..." *laughing again*


And if any of those things came from a doctor or a nurse I'd say:
"Interesting." *Pause* "You're not my doctor any more. You're fired. Please stay away from me. Given your ignorance, I'm afraid you'd hurt me or my child and I'd hate to have to sue you." *Looking them straight in the eyes and deadly serious*

Two weeks in with #5

This is an old post from January 2010 from my other blog. It seemed fitting to share it here. It's funny, I wrote this before I started The Leaky B@@b and used the phrase "leaky boobs."


Ok, so I'm nursing a new baby again which is... hard. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of nursing, it is good for mom and baby but I'm not going to sugar coat things and tell you how easy it is at first, not even for a 5th time mom. Smunchie is cute, adorable and absolutely precious and as true as these things are every two hours or so I have to grab a glass of water, pull out my leaky boobs, practice breathing techniques I don't even use for pushing in labor, and willingly let my baby suck on my sore nipples. Her perfectly sweet mouth is transformed into a device of torture, a pit of barbed wire churning around my tatas. Experts will tell you that it shouldn't hurt, that if there is pain it is because of a poor latch and can be corrected with proper positioning and getting the baby to get on the breast correctly; I've told women this as well. For the most part, I think that is true but there are times when mom and baby just can't get it worked out for a few weeks and for them it just isn't all rainbows and butterflies. This is me and Smunchie, the combination of my rather large nipples and her tiny mouth plus this thing she has against putting her tongue forward have all combined to make this a difficult and painful two weeks of nursing so far.

But we'll get there. I had one other baby that gave me cracked and bleeding nipples and eventually we made it through and nursing became a bonding experience for us, special and easy so I have confidence that Smunchie and I can make it there too. When we do I'll be nursing her anywhere she needs to eat (for the torture sessions I prefer to remain at home at the moment) and doing so unapologetically. Even in church. Since I believe that God made me to nurse my baby I'm not about to leave and go nurse somewhere else when we're there to worship. Boobies nursing babies aren't a shock to God and if they are to the people around me, well, they are free to turn their attention back to God and leave me and my baby alone. Most of the time I won't be covering up and if I choose to do so it will be very special circumstances. I don't cover up for my dad, don't cover at church, don't cover around our friends... in fact, I can't think of such a special circumstance, interesting. I've heard all the arguments in favor of covering up but seeing as I believe breasts are for nursing babies and anything else is just a bonus I don't see me changing. Any man that is turned on (or grossed out) by a baby being fed has issues, that's all I'm saying. And any woman... well... yeah.

And because I have a baby crying, a 6 year old needing some direction, a 2 year old needing a diaper change, an 8 year old "doing homework" that needs supervision, an 11 year old freaking out about a Greek test tomorrow, dinner that needs to be warmed up (thank goodness it is cooked thanks to wonderful friends!), a house in dire need of cleaning, laundry that needs to be folded and put away, dishes that need to be done, and a new lace pattern to try on that sweater, etc. I'm going to go now and just say: read this. She's obviously not as tired as I am and said it all so much better.

A Little Let-down.

Alright Boobies, we've got to have a talk.

First of all, let me start off by saying you are awesome. Totally amazing. I'm impressed and really consider myself super blessed that, though you are of modest proportions, you can totally provide all the food Smunchie needs right now. Not to mention the 4 babies before her. And it's not just any food. It's super food! The acai berry thing advertised all over the place doesn't hold a candle to the goodness you provide. Plus there will be no "it's not as great as we thought" scandal happening about your goods. Nope, you are the real thing. You rock! No really, sometimes you are a pair of rocks. But figuratively, you rock too.

However, there are few aspects of your awesomeness that we need to work on.

• Not all babies are your babies. It is sweet really, that you want to be sure every baby you come into contact with isn't going to go hungry, really it is. But other babies have mommies and I'm sure they are feeding them. So it's not your job. No need to be "all systems go!" upon spotting a little person under the age of one year old. You need to calm down.

• Crying does not need to be an automatic on switch! I get it. It is a design thing. Baby cries and you start leaking, an instant response to the call for food. I wish chocolate would dispense like that for me but alas, that would probably be a bad thing. Coffee probably should do that for me. You don't have to do this. Not all crying means "feed me!" And not all cries come from your baby. For real. This can stop. Our baby has gotten quite good at getting the milk out of you now, you don't have to go soaking through my shirt in an attempt to silence all cries.

• You are highly suggestible. Words like "leak," "leaky," "breastmilk," "nursing," etc. do not mean "faucet. on. now." Aaaaaaaaaaaand, somebody looking at you is not another signal for you to get to work. I know, I know, sometimes people look even when you're covered and put away and while I find it a little confusing myself, it is most likely just curiosity. Though I have to admit your size is significantly more noticeable in your current lactating state than we normally have. But not everyone who checks you out is looking for a free instant meal! In fact, most would be rather grossed out if I offered. So please stop that.

• This last one is a little, well, intimate. I'm thrilled that you still enjoy the whole "other side" of your potential. That you can understand being both a feeding machine and sex goddess is really awesome. Thank you for still being willing to have fun. There's just one request I have regarding that. If I'm going to get to have sex without a bra on you have got to stop spraying all over the place just when it gets really good! Oh my gosh! Girlfriends, that is... so... freaking... annoying. I understand your excitement, good grief I'm excited too but in that time and place, in that exact moment, your contribution is really to just be there, feel good and look pretty. Showering your contents all over actually puts a damper on the moment. I don't let it slow me down but I notice and it does distract me. Fortunately, for you and me, The Piano Man and I don't let you rain on our parade and we still have, er, fun. Though I guess you do... rain on our parade. Maybe it would be better to say we let the parade go on anyway.

Overall, I think you're great. In fact, you have taught me a lot and far exceeded my expectations. I'm proud of you. You can do amazing things like feed babies, have fun, shoot milk across the room, and more. There are just a few things that if you could work on, I'd really appreciate. Thanks for listening and being so awesome. We're all good. So, yeah, thanks for everything. Love ya babes.